One day, all of a sudden, my son's teacher reported that my little angel had hit another child in school. Believe me, it was quite a shock! We always believed him to be shy and not aggressive.
Soon, began a long discussion with my three year old on what had happened. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: What did you do in school today?
Son: Nothing.
Me: (All upset with what I had been told) WHAT!! What do you mean by nothing?
Son: I don't know.
Me: (Sighing,after all he is a child. With some positive energy): So, how was the day? Did you paint? Did the music teacher come today?
Son: Fine. No. No.
Me( stopping at the red signal, deciding to change strategy): Honey, the teacher said that you were a bad boy. What did you do?
Son: I didn't do anything bad.
Me:(counting upto 100 to cool off-happen to be hot tempered and use that technique almost always with my child around) Ok, we'll discuss this at home.
( Reached home with silence from my side, son watching cars zooming by, chatting to his teddy bear about them....)
Me: (Now, a real upfront approach): Did you hit another child at school?
Son: No....
Me:(Really confused by now...,reiterating the same thing in Tamil): "Yaaravada adichiya?"
Son: Yes, one boy.
Me :(Aha, finally! the problem was he didn't know what "hit" meant) Ok, Why did you hit him?(using Tamil again, though)
Son: I missed you!
Me: ( stifling an urge to scream!!): Dear, you don't hit someone because you missed me.
Son: Hmm, Ok...because....because...
Me:(after waiting for two mins) Why don't you tell me what happened in school?
Son: I played and played and that's all!
Me: Where did you hit him?
Son: On the hand.
Me(Oh fine! I am progressing at reconstructing the events): Before that, what happened?
Son: He hit me on the eye and it pained.( with tears in his eyes and unable to control it anymore)
(He really felt hurt with all the pointed and stern interrogation and he burst into tears)
Me( All softened and saddened with the occurrence. Partly irked, why didn't the teacher tell me that. He wasn't being a monster. He just defended himself. Not in the right way, but after all he was not equipped for this situation.): Oh, that's ok. You are fine. don't cry.( Hugging him). You really shouldn't hit anybody. Did you say sorry? tomorrow, you should say sorry to the boy whom you hit. Remember, you should never hit. It is not a nice thing to do.
( with more hugging and kissing, we round up the session).
Next day, I pick him up from school. The first thing, he says "Mom, I said sorry !"
Me:( happy that he remembered) Very good!! You are such a good boy!
Teacher:(not hearing our conversation, softly to me): Still recurred today.
Me( mouth agape. stunned silence and then...): Ok, will talk to him again. It's just not like him!
Teacher:(consoling tone): Oh well, it happens. Nothing unusual. Happens in presence of different types of children in the class....
Me( a low tone, after all we are a peaceful family, how could this happen!): Anyways....
(Silence in car....)
At home:
Me:Did you hit again today?
Son: Yes, once, but I said Sorry!!!
Me( Oh no! What have I done?? Whoever heard of apologetic aggression!): How could you? I told you that hitting is bad! Stand in that corner and don't talk to me!!!
Son: (Sobbing furiously)
Me: Don't cry! What you did was bad.
Son:(between tears)You told me to say sorry! He hit me. He didn't say sorry. I hit him back but I said Sorry!
Me:(Fuming, counting............, aah well, I did make one mistake. I didn't tell him what to do if someone hits him. Didn't teach him how to handle that. I had just made a statement that he should not hit but never explained to him what he should do if it recurred. ) Sweetie, you should tell the teacher if someone hits you. You should not hit back. Hitting is bad. Saying sorry is not a solution. Will you remember this? You should tell the teacher.
Son:( controlling his tears....coming to hug me): Ok.... it really hurt when he hit. I missed you so much!!!
(With more hugging and kissing, we ended the session once again)
Well, he has reported to the teacher the next time it happened. And, the other child? Well, its between him and his parent.
I am relieved, there isn't an aggressive streak in our peace loving family after all. I will just have to keep in mind that my communication with my child has to be exhaustive and clear!!
After all, I am learning too...He is just three...I am sure I can communicate with him better by the time he becomes thirteen ;)
